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James Courage far left with two companions in Auckland, All photos from James Courage Diaries. James Courage was raised in North Canterbury, attended Christ's College, and fled for London as soon as he could. He wrote eight novels in the UK, and Charles Brasch published a posthumous collection of his short stories. His personal diaries were published in July by Otago University Press.

It has a sexual undertone, unconscious - I want you to understand. We went on. said several times - and, true enough, I felt a sort of reality or validity when we spoke how shall I put it? on a sexual level, however unconscious. My tremendous guilt over the failure, the progressive shipwreck, of my life since I left Oxford at the age of twenty-four - my whole session with Dr L.

this morning was concerned with this. Of very deep importance: so much so, that my resistance makes me almost mute when I have to talk about it, to try to explain.

Fear and guilt literally stifle me, even when Dr L. September 19, "Your resistance is still high," Dr L.

said calmly. said again, leaning forward. Let us try. I went on. All the perverse fantasies I could think of - excretal and genital. absolved me. He blew his nose and leant forward behind me.

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I became confused, lost in a sort of fog. I held myself taut on the couch. I could hold on to that big cock to save myself. I waited a moment, confused again. I mean the love would rise out of being allowed to feel passive to you here, without shame. I could accept my need. Absolutely essential. October 4, "Oh, and another memory - the anxiety I always felt at having to go to bed.

My mother would say goodnight to me in the drawing-room before dinner - the last time I saw her for the day - then the nurse would whisk me upstairs and into what was a perpetual evening nightmare: lying alone, the nurse gone and my mother out of reach Stark panic, as I remember it. Her selfishness. October 11, "The resistance always seems to spring from one fact: my guilt about my homosexuality," I trembled. All the oral and anal acts involved - the sucking, licking, biting.

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Even my queer fantasies I tend to hide from you, out of guilt. No less, no more. What chance of survival would I have had in a hostile world? And her I hardly saw.

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She lived in the mountains, a hundred miles away from the farm. And after her son, my uncle, had seduced me - and had been found out - how could I appeal to her?

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I was this timid boy - delicate and small even at fourteen - and he called me 'White Mouse'. He seduced me in a cave, a limestone cave.

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I was terrified. For six months afterwards I lived on the verge of a breakdown, then collapsed at school. My uncle was about nineteen or twenty at the time, only five years older than I Is this all important? He was an uncultured, sneering, ignorant, provincial New Zealand farmer whom I saw as my enemy and unfortunately internalised as suchthe enemy of my sensibility, my tenderest feelings, the values I valued - all my little artistic leanings, my inarticulate puttings forth towards poetry, my terrified shy hunger for evidences of love from my environment and God knows I got few enough He deserves only the hell he has given me.

With the exception of my eldest sister, my brothers and sisters considered the old man was a tyrant, a bad-tempered unsympathetic monster, to be spoken of only with a half-apologetic laugh as though he were listening. Even Patricia, my mildest sibling, once said, on looking at a photograph of the N. They spoiled it for us, our parents. June 4, Worry, not least about the situation last night with S.

This passive sexual business gives me such conflict. I must tell you all this - ". I mean, whether I want to be passive or active, or just opt out of sex altogether. We went on talking.

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My liaison with S. Very grateful. Anything sexual from now on will be different for you.

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Loss of a link, loss of libido, shadow of a lifetime of inhibited and imperfect relationships. Yes, it hurts and dismays me. In the evening S. came here. For once he was not ambivalent about wanting sex.

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We went to bed. Better for him than for me. I had to summon ten workman-fantasies to achieve an end. Not very successful. But S. was more potent than for a long while: "I just am that way tonight.

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It must be the hot weather. We smoked cigarettes in bed afterwardsHe said, "You know, this ought to be the answer - lying here in peace. But, to live with another man would be - what?

Then I realized she had guided me into her ass. Her ass was so tight, I was having trouble getting in. It felt like it was trying to keep my cock out. Just go slow.

The only thing I have ever had in my ass is a finger. I grabbed some lube and slowly pulled out; her ass gripped my cock like it was trying to hold on to it.

She asked what I was doing. It will be better for us both. I lubed her tight, pink rosebud and my cock, and reinserted it, this time a bit faster than the first time. She reared up and yelped and begged me to go slow. I whispered in her ear that her ass felt so good and tight. It was like heaven. I told her that it was a dream come true to fuck her ass. I started stroking faster and harder. She squealed at first and pulled away. You have to embrace the feeling and the pain will turn to pleasure.

I was lost in the sensation. The only sounds were her moans and gasps, which turned to sounds of a woman in deep pleasure.

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I was getting close to coming and started fucking her harder and harder. I tried to control myself, but the feeling was too intense. That took me over the edge. I started drilling her virgin ass. I came so much it hurt. I collapsed on her and started to apologize for being too rough.

We continued our affair for the next three years. She got divorced, and her son moved home, which made the affair tougher to hide. He almost caught us several times.

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Once, he came in just as she had taken a load of cum in the mouth from me, but that is another a story for another time. The first time I experienced anal penetration was with an older woman. She was very dominant, which turns me on.

One night she came home with a large bag that I recognized was from the 'toy shop' we like to visit. I started to get wet the instant I saw the bag knowing I was in for a hell of a night. She led me into the bedroom slapping my ass all the way. I obeyed. Once undressed she took and laid me across her lap. I heard the bag rustle the felt her finger and something cool and slick on my asshole.

I instantly tightened up shocked by the sensation. Nobody had ever touched my down there but as she rubbed her lubed fingers around my virgin ass I realized that I liked it. Slowly she worked her fingers inside of me and I was moaning like crazy. This must have turned her on tremendously because I'm usually pretty quiet during sex. She began slapping my ass with her other hand screaming "Do you like that Baby!

You want more I'll give you more! She pulled out her fingers and spread my ass cheeks apart and I felt the vibrator buzz at my asshole just before she slipped it in. I gd at the size of it didn't she know I'd never had anything back there before? It didn't take long for me to realize it didn't really hurt though.

As she worked it in and out, deeper and deeper I became frenzied screaming for her to fuck me hard with it. She was pumping it in and out and slapping my ass bright red screaming "Take it all, Baby. Take all of it! We've found many more anal sex toys and had many more sessions, but none like my first time through the back door.

My wife was away on business in England and I was going to be home alone for a week.

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My divorced mother-in-law said that she would come over each night after work to make sure I was alright It was on her way home. I told her it wasn't necessary, but she insisted. The first night she came over, she noticed I was tense and asked why. I told her I had a difficult day at work and that I was fine. She then asked what I could do to relax, to which I replied, "sex would be great, but I guess that's not happening". You have to understand that this was in no way an inappropriate comment considering the relationship I have with my mother-in-law.

It was intended to be humorous. However, she responded, "what would you need exactly? Now, my mother-in-law is a very good-looking 46 year old woman whom I've always found attractive, so this question made me a bit uneasy. I responded somewhat sheepishly, "you know, just to cum".

To my shock, she said, "would you like me to do it with my hand? Within a few moments my pants were down and she was giving me a hand job on the couch. As excited as I was, I couldn't climax and she could see I was getting frustrated. At that point she looked at me and said, "if I let you put it in me, would it speed things up? Somehow I managed to nod and before I knew it, she was taking off her pants and panties and lying back on the couch.

After fingering her for a moment to lube her up I asked if she wanted me to cum on her stomach or if she prefer I get a towel. She laughed and told me not to worry about it. When I asked what she meant, she replied, "just cum inside me, it's not like I'm going to get pregnant. I plowed into her tight pussy and, after about 15 strokes, blew my wad deep in her cunt.

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She then got dressed and went home. The next day I got bold and asked if we could do it again and we did. On the third day I asked if I could fuck her in the ass. It took some convincing I told her that her daughter let me butt-fuck her all the time, which was a complete lie, but, what the hell but she eventually gave in.

After applying generous lube I slid in.

To my amazement, she whimpered only slightly as her ass took my whole cock. Being a gentleman, I asked her permission to cum in her ass, to which she agreed. After five minutes, I shot what felt like a gallon of cum deep in her ass.

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Upon pulling out, I admired my handiwork as my cum slowly began oozing from her gaping asshole. Needless to say, it was a great week. In all, I made six deposits, four in her pussy and two in her ass.

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I am at my mid 20s and my girlfriend's mom is really hot. Every time I visit their house I find her most of the time looking at my crotch. I first suspected her attraction to me when she accidentally bumped her smooth ass to my big member on an occasional Saturday visit. Her husband is kind of nerdish, tallhas thick glasses and very workaholic, maybe that explains why they are so rich. As I left the house for my occasional Saturday visit, I forgot to check the messages on my answering machine.

The message stated that my girlfriend and her dad are off to Hawaii for a vacation. Strangely her mother got left behind.

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This is the reason for my greatest and best sex in my entire life. As I parked my car into their garage, i quickly hurried to knock on the door. Her mother answered " You re girlfriend is not here, but if you want you could help me with my household chores? I just kept in mind the image of her sexy body which i have been jacking off to when I am horny. As we proceeded to their living roomI thought to myself that i would make the first move disregarding the thought that this could get my relationship with her daughter ruined or worse i could be sent to jail.

As she went to the kitchen to prepare some snacks i quickly unzipped my pants and placed my dick inside the vacuum cleaner and turned it on. The sound which it made gave her the impression that i was vacuuming. With this thought she didn't notice me but naked with a vacuum arousing me. As she placed the snacks onto the table, she then raised her head as i anticipated for her reaction.

I was expecting her to be surprised but her reaction was she just giggled and muttered out the words "Boys and their toys". I became horny as she said " Want me to vacuum you?

Then she played with my hea slowly licking and sucking it s tip. Then she swallowed my whole member in three seconds.

This is a record for anyone who has been with me the last person who tried it that fast was my girlfriend who gagged. Then after 3 minutes of intense sucking she knew that i was about to blow and had ti much fun to stop know. She guided me into her room and presented me with her blue dildo and some Vaseline and told me my ass is still virgin, please fuck me hard unlike my stupid husband.

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I quickly nodded and was turned on to the fact that i was about to fuck a virgin. I slicked the dildo with Vaseline and inserted it into her tight ass. She moaned as i pressed harder and deeper.

Then i removed the dildo and was begged to be filled in. Then i made her bend. Then i inserted my stiff cock into her with one thrust. This made her scream. I pounded her har harder and harder as she inserted the dildo inside her clit. I then moaned " Dian ,I m about to come" she then responded let me swallow your seed. I pulled out of her and let her joyfully suck my lollipop.

I moaned "OOOH DIAN YOU BITCH" this turned her on and swallowed me dry. We didn't realize that we were on camerasa part of their security system. Its a good thing that i saw a hidden camera and questioned her about it or we might end up dead. I asked if i could keep the tape and she gave a condition that we would do this at least ounce month Know as i stroke myself as i rewatch our flick i asked myself did i really love Marge for herself or her mother?

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